Cyanide and Happiness Compilation – #17


Ladies and Gentlemen. Are you ready for another gruesome match between our two GRIZZLY CONTENDERS? Are you ready to see who will be victorious in the next bloody bout? Let’s bring in our next two fighters! OVER IN THIS CORNER WE HAVE THE DEAN OF MEAT! THE BLOODY BRUISER! The bone breaker himself! PAIN MACHINE! (crowd cheering) And over in this corner we have A baby with a gun! (Grunts of pain) (crowd cheering) Tonight we have a gruesome match between our returning champion BABY WITH A GUN (crowd cheering) And our challenger TWO BABIES WITH THREE GUNS (crowd cheering) Honey, let’s hurry home Ahh! Agh! Spare some change? Bllaaahhh Ah! Oh! *panting* *monster laughs* Gimme some sugar, baby! Ahh *sigh* Home safe! *toc toc toc* Come in… Gimme some sugar, neighbour Thanks. ah ha ha ha! ohhhh! Hmm? ehhh *dumps bear* *footsteps* ehh OHHHH AH HA ah ah ah ahhhhh *stitching* Boss: What the hell is this? Boss: Why aren’t these bears smiling? *sad music plays* Child: What is a smile? *sad* *idea* Boss: *gasp* *stitching* *Extra cutscene* *slurping* *slurping* *gasp* *gasp* *gasp* *smooching* *thud* *slurping* That’s it! It’s done! My seed gun will revolutionize the farming industry! A single worker will be able to plant an entire field in minutes! *Gunshots* Ohh, you’re my golden ticket out of here, baby! *Smooches* And you say your seed shotgun will allow a single worker to plant an entire field with one shot? *Spits* *BOOM!* Fascinating! Yaaahh… Nudderbutter. *Gunshot* *moving car* Oh. *love* *squeeking* *car screech* *scratching* Hmmm… *button press* [Cool music] *water splashing* Ohh *Shock* *banging* whahhh- UH UHHHH *rubbing* Uhhh OUH *rubbing and banging* *machine sounds* Oh no No no no *spinning* No no nooo *farting and wind hitting car* *shine sound* hoooo *breathing* *splat of bird poop* Well *Car sounds and screeching* *money sounds* *Button press* *car sounds and guy rips off shirt* Who’s ready for movie night? Ugh… I’m gonna have to skip movie night this week, dear. I need to get some work done. Do you mind not bothering me for a little while so I can focus? But it’s Sci-Fi Sunday! We always do movie night on Sunday! I know, I know. But I have a deadline creeping up so I need to get a lot of work done. *sigh* Alright then. Have fun. You get some work done. *dramatic music plays* *gasp* [Indistinct chattering on T.V.] *sigh* *gasp* Hey honey, are you still workin– *eerie sound* [echoes] I need to get some work done… …a lot of work done. Hey honey! I think we should be other people! Later, loser! [Imitating] Oh, my! This movie is so scary! [Muffled] Don’t worry, baby! I’ll protect you! Cover your eyes dear! Here comes the scary part! [Imitating] Oh no! [smooth music plays] Grandpa! we cant sleep [footsteps] Will you read us a bedtime story? please! [chuckles] Of course! I’ve got the perfect story to read to you little ones! [smack] [smack] [footsteps] ahhhh yes this is the one [chuckles] [fuuumpf] this one’s nearly as old as me! [blowing almost whistling] [crackling] [music turns dark] ohhhhh ooohhhh ooh oooooh ooooooh [coughing] Grandpa? Grandpa! Grandpa… *gasp* *astonished gasp* I can’t believe our Trevor built ALL this Our little boy… All grown up and running his own water park Now where are we supposed to meet him? His text message says to go through the entrance and then…look up? *Ding* *muffled cries* Oh! “Dear Mom and Dad, It’s time that I was Honest With you And Honest With myself The Last Thing I want Is To Disappoint You! There’s Something You should know about me. This is difficult for me to tell you, but the truth is, I’m gay. I have a boyfriend named Richard and we’re getting married. I just want you to be proud of me. So uh, what do you think? Oh, Trevor! My boy! Oh! Oh, yeah! Come on! (Muffled) Uh, hello? Anybody out there? Help! How did I get in here? Help! Help! Help where am I? Help! *Sad music* Goodbye, cruel world Wow, this is a tall building I have no time for this Oh, man… Well, time for plan C Stupid dull blade Hmm… Don’t see an outlet anywhere. Damn Oh, lucky! Now it just need something to tie it off to Hmm, let’s see… A-Ha! Just need to time this perfectly… Steady… Steadyyyy… WAAAAAOOOOOOH! *Laughing* Son of a BITCH NOW Goodbye cruel world Agh! Oooooooooooow… Hey, man. Cool party. He-he-hey. Thanks for coming. Sooooo uh. Which way is the bathroom? Don’t have one. Wha- wha- what do I- uh… The same thing we all do. Hold. It. In. Eh… Heeeh. Betcha gotta piss, don’t cha?! Wah! Ahhhhhh…. *Pissing* Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh What the hell, man!? Uh! My turn. Get your own. C’mon man, everyone smokes. Everyone COOL, that is. Uh, I’m cool! I’m cool as…fudging beans! *Drags Cigarette* Smooth right? You bet! It’s *Coughs* smooth, and delicious. *Coughing* *footsteps* Jonathan! I got off work a little early, I– Jonathan! – Oh shit! – Oh shit, your dad is here! Smoking, Jonathan!? Well aren’t YOU a big grown-up man!? Big men don’t smoke ONE cigarette, Jonathan! *Patting box* *Inhales* They smoke the whole pack! *party music* *puffs cigarette* And big men– *hick*, drink when they smoke. Ain’t that right, boys? ell yeah, mister Jonathan’s dad! Fuck yeah! Party… Soo… uh… What else do big men do? Oooh yeah, they fight! You two, fight each other! *Head hits floor* *Falls off couch* *Taps face with bottle* *Punches* And they drive cars! *Car horn* *Car crashing* W-Well Jonathan? Have you learned your lesson yet? Yeaaah, dad. I get it now… You’re the coolest, fuckin’ dad in the world! Remember that when you’re staying at your mom’s next weekend. Fucking soul-sucking bitch…

Daniel Yohans

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