Cyanide & Happiness Compilation – Minis #1


(Happy Music) I can’t believe our little boy is all grown up and going to college *Cry* College is a big step son. Are you nervous? A little, but I’m also excited to get out on my own and make my own decisions I’ll call you when I get there BYE!! Drive safe! DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! *BoyDude laugh* *Burp* “HUNGOVER GIRAFFES” “These giraffes reach a nightly BAC of .92 before passing out in the enclosure. Survivors are awoken…” *Heaving Noises* *Gulp* *More Heaving* Hey dude, could you hand me a beer? Sure! *Grunt* *Yelling* *Relief laughter* *Resume Yelling* *YELLING* Here you go! Thanks Ben! *Screaming* So as you can see we’ll be a little under our projections by the second quarter and–
Excuse me everyone, can I have the room for a moment? *clock* Johnson you stay! Please! Sit down. Is this about the presentation? Listen I I know it looks bad but if we continue
SHHHHHHH– to
–HHHHH *Pen Clicking* *Pen Clicking
Clock Ticking* *Clock Ticking* *Pen Ticking
Clock Clicking* *Pen Clock
Ticking Clickling* *Fart* *Faaart* *Eaauughh* Haaah *Takes picture* WOW! This dream is SO real! Boy! I sure can’t wait to wake up from this awful dream! What a great dream! Go long! Ahhhhh God! MY LEG OOOOHHH GOOODDD MY LEG oh no he looks really badly broken you know what this means DisneyBland!!! OH MY GOD! Let’s get you out of there Thank you for saving me! You’d do the same for me! I-I don’t know what’s wrong with me doctor I just feel upset and miserable! Just start at the beginning Well I guess it all started when I walked into this room HEY! IT’S THE LOSER! Have a seat LOSER! Would you like a bib? Or a diaper? you sad, pathetic giant baby! HUH? You gonna cry? YOU GONNA CRY? BIG BABY! And how did that make you feel? Sad! GOOD! EAAHH! Seriously?! Eww Ah come on! Really? They chewed all of them up Maybeeeee Gaaahh!! There’s gotta be something in here Ah! This seems alright! DAMNIT! let’s see What the hell? No way! Lousy moths and their intricately patterned eating habits Maybe this one? Ugh No good! Frigging no good lousy piece of crap underwear eating moths think they’re so smart AW YEAH NYEHEHE MMMM HEHEHEH OHH YEAAH HEHE OOOOOH Was I speeding officer? *Sniff sniff* Sir, I’m gonna need to search your vehicle right now *Gulp* Uhh Oh- O-Okaay Just what i suspected! You’re coming downtown! Ho ho *grunt* Come on! Come on! One more push Mrs. Givanya Hey, Bada bing! It’s a healthy baby boy. What are we going to name him? I wanna name him Jimmy! Jimmy Darept A don baby sends his regards! NURSE! Snitches needs stitches over here! SANTA!!
Santa!! Ho! Ho! Ho! No one must know! No One. *muffled screams* Ah! My skin! New elves!! Oh ho ho You’re mine now, Fuckers! Ahh!! Get to work.

Daniel Yohans

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