dum Dum’s Guide To Exercise

Exercise. We all need it. But i will be the first to tell you; my idea of exercise includes how many bags of Cheetos I can carry to the couch. Yeah, my record’s 47. And I know there are many sizes, okay? But with all of those extra bags, that’s more work. *Grunting* And here’s the thing. If you want to eat those delicious little pearls of cheesy Greasy goodness Without turning into a pile of cheesy greasy goodness, you gotta work out. I hate it, you hate it Jonah Hills hates it but, you gotta do it. Now if it takes some dude who’s idea of crunches is how many bites it takes to finish a Crunch bar, Then consider me your beach body expert! With years of experience keeping my bod looking almost fat I can tell you with absolute certainty this will kinda work. This is The dum Dum’s Guide To Exercise. Rule number one: Set a low goal. I know everyone’s thinking oh, I’m gonna go to the gym once and look like Ryan Gosling in a speedo. Yeah, good luck with that I take things realistic. I wanna look like Mark Wahlberg if he started eating cookies and that great part is you don’t have to go to the gym to do that! People running two triathlons on a treadmill.. Eh, take some baby steps. Run around in traffic. Nothing makes you run faster then the threat of immanent death. And I know all the gyms are like “oh no come use our treadmill, we care about you!”! If you really cared, you wouldn’t give me a trainer. You would cover me in honey, drop me of in the woods and tell me to run. While that sounds ridiculous, it’s exactly how it feels when you set big goals so forget the gym! Just a little run every day. Start with, like, five feet, and as you get better go longer. When you’re ready buy some honey and go to the zoo. Rule number two: Cut Out The Sugar. And no cheatin’ either! I see you turning down a cookie so you can eat a donut. it don’t work like that! It’s ALL gotta go. Put it in a box and mail it to Willy Wonka cuz you don’t need it. I feel like these people go on these diets that last forever only because they never do it. “oh! It’s a cheat day!” what are you? Stupid? This isn’t a case where two wrongs make a right but you still do it because you love your treats! I’ll tell you now you’ll get over it all you gotta do is commit, eat some vegetables eat a lot of them. Eat so many vegetables that your butt opens a organic farm! Rule number three: Ride Your Bike Now I know this seems like an obvious one that’s cuz it is but I’m sick of all these of all these people saying “I’m doing high-intensity interval pilates cross-fit leg lifts” what? Do you even know what your talking about I’m pretty sure your making it up to make it sound like you were doing something exclusive since when is sweating exclusive? it’s disgusting! flailing around completely drenched! It looks like your trying out drowning that’s why you do simple stuff like ride your bike. At least then you can ride it somewhere important like work, school, or a lifeguard station plus you get to look ridiculous in those tight spandex shorts it’s the closest you’ll ever be to felling like a superhero and no one can make fun of you because your taking care of your body they do give an old sweaty stinky hug and that will teach them making fun of your cute tooshie which if it is like mine it’s a solid six from a scale from one to ten rule number four join a team or a club. You know, somethin’ play a sport it will be really fun and get you in super duper- guh! ok dont do that one! I think I’m telling all of you this because my friend had me join a gym it was an experience I didn’t enjoy using big words like REP’s I dunno what these words mean what I do know is that every time I go the gym it seems like everyone who works there is named Brett and they give them the benefit of the doubt

Daniel Yohans

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