Tony Robbins – The Best Relationship Advice


Our net subjects is rapport in your
notes anywhere you want there’s no place for just right rapport is power rapport
is power earlier today we said anything you want to achieve anything you want to
learn master experience there’s somebody out there who has a life experience the
understanding the network the capital the thing you need to be able to achieve
it but they’re not gonna give you what they want or they don’t give you what
you want rather a need until you first give them what they want need and you’re
not even gonna find out what they want need until you first get in a
relationship of rapport if you don’t do that you’re never gonna learn anything
rapport aspire what is a relationship of rapport rapport means total
responsiveness between people when someone is totally responding to you and
you’re totally responding them you’re in rapport there’s that connection it’s
that spark that happens in certain communications or relationships now
everybody wants to create rapport have it but most people only get rapport with
people who are like whom themselves and they lose with everybody else which
means you got a very limited world so we want to take it to a different level so
let’s say for example if I said to you right now guys I want you to go out to a
local restaurant or bar and I want you to meet somebody and I want you to
develop rapport with it but connect show them how many feel like you do that no
problem say I and if you’re not raising your hand you’re probably selling
yourself short of course you could how would you do it though you walk at this
restaurant a bar you meet somebody and you gauge them in conversation by asking
a few what questions now is it possible to ask a few questions and have a
conversation go boom and just die is that possible yes or no so questions
don’t create rapport questions or a tool use to dig for something what are you
digging for we ask these questions you’re trying to find something in what
that’s right so write your notes rapport is created by a feeling of commonality
rapport is created by a feeling of commonality rapport is created by a
feeling of commonality we people we feel like we have something
come with someone there’s a spark now here’s the problem if rapport is created
by feeling of commonality most people try to get rapport by using words but
you’ve already learned something what percentage of our communication skills
are words what percentage 7% which means you’re leaving at 93 percent of your
skills which is why most people don’t get rapport with a large number of
people yeah what do you do you walk in a restaurant a bar and go hi what’s your
name where are you from why are you here and person says my name is Abby
I’m from RAC I’m a terrorist I’m here to kill people and you go amazing me too now see words don’t always work do they
but there is something that always works to get rapport and it’s something called
matching and mirroring matching and mirroring now matching and mirroring
came about 35 years ago when it’s we’ve all done matching marring our whole
lives but the person who pointed out was Milton Erickson dr. Erickson was a
genius what he did was he was a medical doctor but he also was a psychologist
and a hypnotherapist probably the best that ever lived and people will come to
see him who try to change everything anywhere else in their life nothing at
work they see him for one session he’d handle it and the reason is because he
understood something he understood that you have both a conscious mind in his
subconscious mind and he knew the subconscious is more powerful it’s made
part that makes your heart beat a hundred thousand times a day without him
to think about so he knew if he could influence your subconscious mind he
could change anything and that’s what he did but here’s how he did it he had
polio so he was in a wheelchair so he spent an enormous amount of time
studying people and he began to notice something about human beings that when
human beings got together if they got in rapport a relationship of responsiveness
they became like each other in a variety of ways what he called they mirror at
each other now I’ve taught this for 25 years I’m sure you’ve heard of it and
I’ve written in my books and it’s been taught in a variety of other areas now
but it’s one thing to know it intellectually or to understand it’s
another thing to know it what you’re doing it that’s what I want to get you
to do tonight so you have a real experience of it that you won’t forget
but here’s the basis of it people like people who are
like whom themselves and people don’t like people who are not like themselves
to be more specific rightness now people like people who are like themselves or
who are like how they would like to be people like people who are like
themselves or or how they would like to be people like people are like
themselves or how they would like to be so question I’d like you to think of
someone you really really like a lot and then if you would raise your hand this
person is either like you or they’re like how you want to be if that’s true
is you can say I of course that’s why I like them now think of someone you don’t
like I’m sure you like everyone but if you once were a nun spiritual person and
felt these feelings some of you don’t like raise your hand if they’re not like
you or they’re not like how you want to be if that’s true is your hand say I and
that’s the opposite people don’t like people who are not like them or are not
like how they want to be that’s the bottom line of it so this concept
Erikson noticed he used it in the following way
watch me if you came to see dr. Erikson instead of talking to you intellectually
and trying to get through to you he’d go right for the jugular by getting your
nervous system connected to him getting rapport so if you came to him and you
said dr. Erickson I don’t know this is a waste of time I’ve I’ve tried everything
and I don’t know I think I should just go he would do this he’d go I’m sure it
looks that way on the surface but you haven’t tried this so you haven’t tried
everything and I think you should stay and the person would go Oh something
about this guy like you know he’s not over the top you know I mean he’s like
really real there’s just something that feels down-home and real to me right if
you came to see him as a dr. Erickson I’ve tried everything waste of my time
I’m out of here he’d say you sit out you haven’t tried everything you’ve got the
before you’re staying right here okay goes hey I’m like this guy’s got some
spunk kick ass maybe he could do something see he became like the people
who’s communicating with and what it was is whatever they put out he sent the
same message back like biofeedback and didn’t train them to him so that when he
didn’t told their unconscious what to do their brain just did it that was his
power now we all do this naturally we wanted some fun gone tonight or a
singles bar and watch people when they first meet and then you can see when the
rapport happens if they finally sit down and they’ll start to lean in the same
direction I’ll start nodding your head at the same tempo if one’s tapping their
foot often you’ll see the other one tap their foot the volume and tone of their
voice will start to mirror if they’re on a poor you know to outer abour you’ll
see them interact opposites of this nature now if you want to be effective
then mirroring is so easy we do it naturally but here’s the problem most
people wait till they have enough words in common then then they put the voice
in common in the body in common but words only seven percent they don’t work
all the time and by the way do we judge people in a matter of seconds by their
style yes or no that’s right right this is your note style is more important
than substance initially style is more important than
substance initially that sounds terrible but it’s true style is more important
than substance initially notice I say initially have you know any substance
it’s not gonna last but you can have lots of substance and no style and
people never hear a word you say no one will ever get to know what you believe I
give an example how many you’ve ever dealt with somebody whose tone of voice
alone drove you up a wall and you couldn’t listen to anything they said
they had like Dennis trill tonality haven’t even it was like a se Aiye okay
so that style gets in the way of substance now let’s give an example
let’s say you and I want a mirror something we want for someone to feel
connected to us and we’re gonna do it on the phone what are some aspects of the
voice that you could mirror that would make them unconsciously immediately feel
connected to you what are some aspect you tell me okay tone of voice as we
just said is a perfect one because if you’re talking like this and they’re
talking like this well I don’t know what are you saying
you’re not gonna feel very comfortable through time tone of voice is huge if
you mirror someone’s thought a voice they will feel connected to you and not
even know why what else besides tone of voice could you mirror on the phone ok
tempo what kind of person talks with this pretty complaints like I’m talking
right now what kind of people talking this particular place won’t put part of
the country to talk at this pace come aware where what part of the country
where and new record we’ve got one New York could be a good example how do
people talk more like this feel about those fast talking city slickers do they
trust them no they don’t even know how to say the word dog house the fast
talking person feel about a slow talking force what I think Mary Mary we think
Mary what a big night what a day Mary goes Wow well watch nobody’s ever
seen this mismatch between two people right what else besides speed volume
loud talking people who do they like they love loud talking people they know
you’re a real man you’re a real woman too who else likes loud talking people
deaf people like loud talking people but how to quiet talking people feel about
those loud talking people they’re obnoxious aren’t they and of course
intelligent people talk like you and I do don’t they do we judge people in a
matter of seconds by their volume by by their tone by their tempo yes or no you
better believe we do what else could you mirror on the phone terminology key
words there’s certain words people use again and again if you sell real estate
and somebody comes in and says I’m looking for a magnificent home do you
want to say oh I have a fantastic place to show you know I have this experience
myself once I said look at this no no I got a fantastic place fantastic and
magnificent maybe the same to you but I guarantee they aren’t for the other
person if you mirror their words they will feel heard they will feel
understood and they will also feel you’re as smart as they are what else
besides words own tempo volume accent well only if you
really have that accent because you trying to duplicate it it’s not really
your accent you’re gonna break rapport right what about the body look would you
mirror in the body if you were there in person well could you mirror posture is
very powerful there really upright you’re upright there more relaxed you’re
more relaxed what else gestures watch this if somebody’s
talking and if people are funny when they’re making important points people
have idiosyncratic gestures idiosyncratic mean gestures that are all
their own so if you’re talking this guy he said I don’t think so I think we
ought to do this and he makes this funny little gesture when he’s talking about
what he really wants to do if you turn back to him and say you know that’s a
great idea can I ask you a question though what if
we did this instead you make that same little motion with your hand and look at
him you’d be like up friend you think I’m kidding you go out tonight
at dinner and you find somebody who’s on an angle to you or in front of you don’t
even look at him just mirror them for five to ten minutes they reach for the
glass to reach big last glass is empty no one’s gonna notice just reach for the
glass they bring it up they bring it down bring it down they reach the fork
reaches the fork five to ten minutes five minutes usually
ten minutes max after you’ve noticed five to ten minutes we’ll have some fun
reach for your glass and watch what they do they’ll reach for it like that it’s
called pacing and leading it’s also known as entrainment many of you know
that if you go in an old clock shop where they have those old grandfather
clocks so they have the little pendulum that once they widen those pendulums
start out different and they all end up in sync called entrainment women know
this but most men don’t so I’ll just share this with you women
have the ability be like clocks with other women when women hang out together
men they literally end up having their periods at the same time so that all the
men are crazy during that time is it true ladies yes or no if they are in a
pour their periods become insane so women’s periods can come in sync you
could get rapport with a stranger across the room and all you got to do is mirror
them for five or ten minutes and make a change
right and it’ll make it happen all right how many follow
so what else besides posture could you mirror in the body what else gestures we
already said what else facial expression most of us if someone’s telling you a
story and they’re like really into their story and they’re making these faces do
you sit look at them like this no you look back and make the same
stupid look back like what am i I contact a lot of business people and
sales people on top a total why they batad like if you’re really truly going
to influence someone you must look directly into their eyes and not break
eye contact for 45 straight minutes this way they know you really mean it there’s
only one problem with that the problem is people like people who are like whom
themselves so if you’ve got somebody just stares in your eyes and doesn’t
blink for 45 straight but it’s gonna freak you out what kind of person steers
your eyes and doesn’t break eye contact aliens that’s who most humans look away
right so if they look away give a break and look away don’t make them crazy now
if you meet somebody who like locks eyes with you and doesn’t break eye contact
you lock eyes right back you keep monitor for 45 minutes they’ll know
you’re an alien – it’ll build rapport what else what else besides eye contact
facial expressions gestures posture come on what else breathing breathing is very
powerful one of the most powerful if you breathe that the exact same pace as
another person you will feel what they are feeling period but you got to be in
the same location the same tempo and breathing is magnificent because it
really hooks you to this person how many of you can think of a time in your life
when you were breathing at the same pace as another person and you felt really
close for some reason anybody think of a time
like that see I used to do a lot of sexual therapy for couples and when you
help people in this area you get a practice because people pay anything
they’ll fly anywhere to get this part of their life handled so I end up with a
six-month waiting list no exaggeration I mean every single day booked and people
be calling me based on referrals cuz I help their friends and they’d be like I
gotta see it Gus you gotta see you now and I’m like I got a six-month waiting
list no no I’ll pay for your lunch time I’ll
buy your dinner look I really how about I refer you this
somebody I’m trained it lots of people I know it’s gotta be you so here’s how I
would deal with it I would say okay I will give you one of my lunches if you
take an assignment I give me but first you’re gonna answer some questions
honestly here’s the first question when you make
love do you breathe in unison while you’re making love and apparently the
guy will go huh can I say let me explain you’re here telling me about all these
things you’re upset with each other about and you talk about these things
too you’re blue in the face but the real problem is you don’t feel connected you
don’t feel well and I said you don’t have that feeling of total oneness with
each other until I can more about this not gonna change it
so if you really want to change this I suggest you do this and if you do what
I’m telling you still need me I’ll give you one of my lunches so I wanna here’s
I want you to do I want you go home and I want you to make up for an hour and a
half minimum and while you’re doing it I want you to breathe in unison the entire
time with each other because what happens is you feel totally connected as
one out of who knows three four dozen people I asked to do that only one
person ever called us back and wanted to be able to do session because the bond
is there so try it not now later this evening plus the great thing about
mirroring somebody’s breathing it’s very subtle
no one’s gonna jump on their chair and say would you stop marrying my breathing
they’re not gonna notice so you got breathing you got posture you got
gestures you got facial expressions you got eye contact what else could you
mirror come on use your brain I know the answer I want to see if you can come up
with it come on what else could you mirror proximity good what does
proximity mean proximity means everybody has a certain amount of space that they
need to be comfortable and it’s different for every single person you’re
gonna meet in your life so if I come walking up here like this and I start
walking let’s say along here and I walk up to this lady here she’s comfortable
right now and I come here I’m right on the edge of
her comfort zone come on right you can see it in her face how do I know because
the muscles are neck went ain’t face my aunt it all tighten and she stopped
breathing that’s a clue now that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you to come closer
but that’s the first moment of her starting to feel impact and I come right
back to here there we go now she’s breathing again how many good
the difference you see it you can see all of a sudden she’s reading it so this
is more comfort what’s the difference here versus here how believe had
somebody do this where they get this close to your face and you just want to
punch them how many have this experience and they almost always have bad breath
too don’t they so when somebody and are there people like that to get this most
in your face yes or no now if you pull back though you just broke rapport cuz
that’s what they need to feel good so you got to like hang in there with those
people so it’s different for every person that you meet so how do you know
do you just guess no you use your sensory what acuity you have acute
sensitivity see what’s the impact on getting here is it’s working oh I can
come closer or not where is it and it can change to someone can have initial
reaction then they let you closer but you pay attention because if you don’t
do this breaking rapport in this area people don’t even think when you’re in
their space and everybody’s got different space who here freaks out when
somebody gets too close there’s some people I’m sure in this room that are
total freak outs about this you ma’am and the black what’s your name
Lisa won’t you come down come on give her a hand come on give her a hand Lisa
come on down here come on down and run down here at least run down here run
down here run down here oh it’s your face oh there we go it’s the face see
she’s won a body block me did you notice that you guys boom we can hit bodies
that’s okay but the face watch what happens if you get in the face so you
enjoying the seminar what’s been your favorite part not this part where you
going now notice once you get too close to her
face did you see how many saw that instant reaction okay
she Nellie pulls back she snaps to the side because some people most people
have like a force field who have this experience hers is more just the face
and you got close closer to her chest or something like that they they’ll do one
of things so this kind of person backs off but most people are more subtle if
you did too close here’s what they do they start kind of you’ll see them as
they’re talking and they’re kind of wavering back and forth if you notice
their ass is moving them further and further back from you right or they’ll
do this they’ll turn sideways because what does that do creates a sense of
space okay so everyone’s different now hers hers is not the body and she’s kind
of being playful now here with this as well but the face normally is something
for her that’s in effect now she’s going difference she says okay I’m comfortable
with you give her hand thank you very much now there’s another one that’s
critically important that’s touch now you can get more rapport by touching
some people than by anything you could ever say but again you’re gonna have
some sensory acuity you can’t go up no he looks like a touch hey man I love
your hair I love your hair really good that’s really cool really good you do
that you could get killed but he’s a nice man so he didn’t kill me so we got
a notice there’s no sound of man shakes hands like he shakes hands he puts one
hand top of the other Genesis he reached over he just I shook his hand
immediately brings the other hand on top like this
and when he does it some people they can shake your hand they like squeeze it see
if they can break a few of your blood vessels you know just to show they’re a
real man other people they got that fish handshake and but if they fish you you
got to fish them back yeah here we go fish fish cuz that builds rapport but in
his case it’s like boom boom right you get more connection rapport with him
with that touch than anything you could ever say thank you so notice how does a
person touch somebody like even it’s in business notice how the business woman
or man touches their assistant in a non-sexual way and this notice if they
come along and he comes my honey goes thanks a lot Tony he hits me like this
three times on the shoulder and I come back and I say thank you John I’ll get
more important by that touch than by anything that I could say to him so
touch and proximity are huge huge now you
might say well this is interesting Tony but what are you suggesting
are you saying something like okay they sit down I sit down enough to mirror
everything someone does that rapport it’s not like they lift their leg you
lift your leg they lean forward you leave or they sit back they you sit back
you don’t have to do that although believe it or not you can do a lot
people not even notice but for example you get rapport just with the leg
position and maybe the tone of voice because physiology is 55 percent of
communication if you’re sitting there let’s say let’s say you cross your leg
like this can I cross my leg like this while we’re talking yes or no it’ll feel
comfortable to you so you start bouncing your foot like this back and forth
can I bounce my for the same tempo if I do you’ll feel totally connected to me
we do it same tempo and by the way I can do it for a while and then if I don’t
like it I can slow it down and he’ll slow yours down that’s pacing and
leading again but if you do this if they cross their leg and now they go ahead
across you’ll have to uncross the moment and cross wait you go to say something
and say you know what because when you go to speak speaking requires a change
of physiology and they’ll ever notice what you’re doing all right very unique
now it is true if you know they leaned for it are you saying well right they
lean forward I leave or they lean back I lean back they cross the leg I cross my
they pick their nose I pick my nose exactly no you don’t have to do
everything and if you start going like this when they’re mirroring start going
after about 20 minutes ago what’s wrong with you but you’d be surprised you can
mirror people and be mirroring almost everything they’re doing and they rarely
have ever noticed it right

Daniel Yohans

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