Trump Thinks Healthcare Is Something You Can Win


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN HERE,
OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW”.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. YOU KNOW, THE SENATE TRUMPCARE
BILL– YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS THEY’RE TRYING TO PASS–
( AUDIENCE BOOING ).>>Stephen: WELL, YEAH, THAT’S
WHAT I WAS ABOUT TO TALK ABOUT. THEY’VE SUFFERED SOME SETBACKS
THIS WEEK BECAUSE THERE’S ONE MAJOR FLAW TO THE LEGISLATION. AND I DON’T WANT TO GET TOO
WONKY, BUT IT’S A HOT PILE OF GARBAGE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO YESTERDAY– BOY, IT’S BEEN AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER ON THE
FIRST SENTENCE OF THIS MONOLOGUE. PACE YOURSELF. SO, YESTERDAY, SENATE MAJORITY
LEADER AND MAN TRYING TO KEEP A BIRD FROM ESCAPING HIS MOUTH
( LAUGHTER ) MITCH McCONNELL, ANNOUNCED THAT
VOTING ON THE BILL WOULD BE DELAYED UNTIL AFTER THE FOURTH
OF JULY. IT’S A SMART MOVE. YOU DON’T WANT TO STRIP PEOPLE
OF HEALTH CARE UNTIL AFTER THE HOLIDAY THAT MIXES BOOZE AND
EXPLOSIVES. OKAY? AND I LOVE IT..( APPLAUSE )
I LOVE IT– BOTTLE ROCKET, ROMAN
CANDLE. WHILE THEY’VE PULLED THE BILL,
REPUBLICANS SAY THEY’RE GOING TO COME BACK WITH SOMETHING BETTER. SO, THEY’RE GOING TO– WHAT DO
YOU CALL IT?– REPEAL AND REPLACE THEIR BILL. AND THERE’S A LOT OF BLAME TO GO
AROUND. IN FACT, TODAY, “THE NEW YORK
TIMES” SAID DONALD TRUMP “FALTERED IN HIS ROLE AS A
‘CLOSER.'” YEAH, USUALLY, HE’S A GREAT
CLOSER. JUST LOOK AT HIS CASINOS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT YOU CAN’T, THEY’RE GONE. THEY’RE GONE. OH! JUST LIKE THAT. THEY’RE GONE! ACCORDING TO “THE TIMES,” TRUMP
FAILED TO SWAY SENATE REPUBLICANS WHO DIDN’T SUPPORT
THE BILL. HIS TOP AIDES DIDN’T LOBBY FOR
IT, AND ONE REPUBLICAN SENATOR SAID, “THE PRESIDENT DID NOT
HAVE A GRASP OF SOME BASIC ELEMENTS OF THE SENATE PLAN.” ( AS TRUMP )
“WHOAH, SLOW DOWN. SLOW DOWN. FELLAS, START FROM THE
BEGINNING. WHAT’S A SENATE? AND, FOLLOW-UP QUESTION, WHAT’S
A PLAN? I LIKE TO FREEBALL.” AND THE ARTICLE, EVIDENTLY, “THE
TIMES” GOT UNDER, I WANT TO SAY, SKIN, BECAUSE HE TWEETS:
A FAKE NEWS JOKE. A FAKE NEWS JOKE. LET ME SEE, FAKE NEWS JOKE. OKAY, HERE’S ONE. “THE NEW YORK TIMES,” CNN, AND
MSNBC WALK INTO A BAR BECAUSE YOU’VE DRIVEN THE MEDIA TO
DRINK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT SOUNDS GOOD. I COULD GO FOR A LITTLE… A
LITTLE COOLIE-POP RIGHT NOW. TRUMP ALSO CLAIMS HE DOES
UNDERSTAND THE PLAN, “SOME OF THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA LIKES TO SAY
THAT I AM NOT TOTALLY ENGAGED IN HEALTH CARE. WRONG. I KNOW THE SUBJECT WELL AND WANT
VICTORY FOR U.S.” PJ. YES, HE TOTALLY UNDERSTANDS
HEALTH CARE. HE THINKS YOU CAN WIN IT. “AT THE NEXT OLYMPICS, AT THE
NEXT OLYMPICS, THE U.S. WILL TAKE GOLD IN THE 400-METER
PROSTATE EXAM. GENTLEMAN, START YOUR COLONS.”>>Jon: AND I WILL NOT BE
PARTICIPATING.>>Stephen: THERE’S NO WAY TO
PROVA WHAT THAT MEANS. AND WHEN TRUMP MET WITH
REPUBLICAN SENATORS YESTERDAY, HE ALSO DEMONSTRATED HIS MASTERY
OF THE HEALTH CARE BILL.>>THIS WILL BE GREAT IF WE GET
IT DONE. AND IF WE DON’T GET IT DONE,
IT’S JUST GOING TO BE SOMETHING THAT WE’RE NOT GOING TO LIKE. AND THAT’S OKAY, AND I
UNDERSTAND THAT VERY WELL.>>Stephen: OKAY? ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY. WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING. AFTER ALL, IT WAS ALWAYS ON HIS
HAT: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
VERY TALL HAT. VERY TALL HAT. IT’S GOT A REAL ELMER FUD FEEL
TO IT. BUT TRUMP HASN’T GIVEN UP. TODAY, THE CHICAGO CUBS CAME TO
THE WHITE HOUSE FOR SOME PHOTOGRAPHS WITH PRESIDENT
TRUMP– IT’S PART OF THE DEAL THEY CUT WITH LUCIFER–
“SIGN HERE.” AND THE PRESIDENT TOOK THE
OPPORTUNITY TO ASSURE A WORRIED NATION.>>HEALTH CARE IS WORKING ALONG
VERY WELL. WE COULD HAVE A BIG SURPRISE
WITH A GREAT HEALTH CARE PACKAGE. SO, NOW THEY’RE HAPPY.>>WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY “BIG
SURPRISE,” SIR?>>I THINK YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE
A GREAT, GREAT SURPRISE. IT’S GOING TO BE GREAT.>>Stephen: AND, OF COURSE, A
SURPRISE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR HEALTH CARE. “MR. JOHNSON, A GREAT SURPRISE
FOR YOU. VERY POSITIVE DEVELOPMENT. ALL YOUR TESTS CAME BACK
POSITIVE, OKAY. I DON’T KNOW WHO’S GOING TO
PAY FOR IT. SURPRISE!”
( APPLAUSE ) DR. TRUMP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ENJOY! OF COURSE, EVEN THOUGH THE
REPUBLICANS CONTROL EVERY BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT, TRUMP KNOWS WHO’S
TO BLAME: THE DEMOCRATS.>>WE WON’T GET ONE DEMOCRAT
VOTE, NOT ONE. AND IF IT WERE THE GREATEST BILL
EVER PROPOSED IN MANKIND, WE WOULDN’T GET A VOTE.>>Stephen: WAIT, IS THE
GREATEST BILL EVER PROPOSED IN MANKIND AN OPTION HERE? BECAUSE YOU SHOULD JUST PROPOSE
THAT BECAUSE THIS ONE SUCTION. THAT’S NOT JUST ME. THAT’S NOT JUST ME SAYING IT. BECAUSE HOW BAD DOES IT SUCK? ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, ONLY
12% OF AMERICANS APPROVE OF THE SENATE HEALTH CARE BILL. JEE, I DON’T KNOW WHY DEMOCRATS
WON’T GET ON BOARD THE “S.S. TRUMPCARE.” ( AS TRUMP )
“YOU GUYS WANT TO GO FOR A RIVER CRUISE? SO FAR, ALL WE HAVE IS THE
ANCHOR. HERE, HOLD THIS AND JUMP IN THE
WATER.”

Daniel Yohans

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